Read These Options To Yourself In Glenn Beck's Voice

I'm sensing a lot of bitterness here. The popular answer seems more sarcastic than anything else, and I can't help but feel like they've started to let Glenn Beck write these. There is such a negative attitude in the way this is worded that I almost feel bad for these guys. The Fox faithful are clearly frustrated with everything Obama is doing, and it's really starting to manifest itself in these polls. Sure, it's probably not a complete coincidence that the "Sestak Report" was released in D.C. while Obama was out of town and right before the holiday weekend, but either way, it's not in any way a big deal. The whole BP fiasco is much bigger than anything else that's happening right now, so the White House could have released the statement any day of the week and I doubt anyone would be paying much attention. Time will tell if the report is true, and Fox will undoubtedly cover it to the point of exhaustion, so I don't know why they're so upset about such a minor detail. Someone needs a nap.

It's Funny Because The Immigrant Is Climbing Over The Fence

This can't be the first time they have used this line. I do appreciate the thorough exposition though, because without the bullet points, I would have been completely lost. Thank goodness Fox provides background information so all the people who don't pay any attention to current events can understand what a news website is talking about when they make stupid jokes instead of just reporting.


This is from two weeks ago. In yet another desperate attempt to defend our corporate overlords, Fox makes one of their hasty predictions that turns out to be nothing more than an attention-grabbing teaser. Well, they've made a breakthrough, all right. Their oil has broken through the Gulf Coast and into our fragile ecosystem. Ironically, BP executives were aboard the now-sunken drilling platform when the disaster started, celebrating the rig's safety record.

Fox Breaks Their Only Camera, Makes Mohammed Feel Ugly

I guess the lack of photograph here is supposed to poke fun at the censorship of Mohammed. Despite the apparent, I'm actually going to assume that Fox was just too afraid to post a real image, which is completely understandable considering no other major news media outlets would, either. I almost admired their mocking humor for a moment, but then I realized that I was looking at a national news network and not Comedy Central, and my admiration instantly turned to shame.

I Don't Understand What You're Saying

As a general rule, there's nothing worse than being so inept at manipulating the English language that one resorts to using sports analogies in situations in which doing so is completely unnecessary, that is to say, all situations outside of actual sports. So, it should come as no shock that Fox managed to find a way to override this infallible truth by taking one of these sporty phrases and turning it into a metaphor for absolutely nothing. A "slam dunk" refers to a task that is so simple, that the probability of its success is near 100% (for example, using the term "slam dunk" correctly). Somehow, this is supposed to make sense in the context of an Illinois school denying its girls' basketball team a promised trip to Arizona as a way of protesting the latter's recently passed law regarding illegal immigration, but I just can't find it. To Fox's credit, someone must have realized how stupid this seemed, as within hours, the original was replaced with this second gem, which correctly commits this cardinal sin against our language.

Somebody Clearly Doesn't Watch Adult Swim

I can only assume we're not talking about the flash game, but all I can think about now is Jesus punching Moses in the face. Unfortunately, this turns out to be just another Republican primary quarrel about who can be the most conservative, which is extremely disappointing to say the least. It's really not fair to promise a "bible brawl" that you can't deliver. Next time, I demand to see someone knocked unconscious with the ten commandments.

Someone Is Actually Being Paid For This

This might just be the most poorly edited image I've ever seen. Even if I ignore the horribly cropped image of a gigantic Obama, the weak drop shadow used to cover it up, and the pathetic attempt at a news logo, what really bothers me is the choice of photograph. Why in the world does the President have a pair of microphones under his desk? Also, who the hell is he pointing at? Is this what Fox thinks a newsroom looks like? How is this the most popular news network in the country?

Don't Mess With Tornado Cat

I don't know if Fox was going for dramatic effect with this picture of a wet cat, but if they were, I can tell you that it didn't work on me. I don't feel sorry for this animal so much as I feel terrified of it. I mean, this cat looks like a badass, and any animal that survives a tornado and doesn't seem to care should be approached with caution. The look on his face tells me that not only did he stop the storm all by himself, but also that he's hungry for more.

Students Forget Country Of Origin, Wear Flags As Reminder

Imagine my surprise when I visited the Fox News website today, only to discover a truly shocking story. Allegedly, many parents are forcing their innocent children to wear stupid Old Navy shirts sporting Old Glory, in what is being described as a desperate attempt to rediscover their own youth, which they obviously lost in the 1990s. It never really made sense to me why people in the United States wear clothing with their own flag on it. The symbol doesn't speak very loudly when you are almost exclusively surrounded by other Americans. Thanks for letting me know that you're one of us, because I was really starting to worry. In truth, the story is actually about students in California who were sent home from school for wearing clothes and bandannas displaying the Stars and Stripes on Cinco de Mayo. Sure, it was a blatant and immature middle finger to the students' "ethnic" classmates, but it's free speech nonetheless. Now, it turns out that the story doesn't actually mention anything about banning the American Flag, but that was not enough to stop Fox from asking yet another brain teaser in their daily poll. Sure, the possible answers are pretty normal, but honestly, what kind of results do you expect when you ask, "Should the American Flag be Banned -- in America?" I've never bothered to ask what happens to the people who vote differently in these polls, but I can only imagine that they are visited by the CIA and possibly detained as enemy combatants.

It's Funny Because A Submarine Is Phallic

Instead of showing important and necessary policy changes in a positive light, Fox always finds a way to ask irrelevant questions just to stir the pot. It reminds me of how local news networks like to tease you about the possibility of your children being murdered by your refrigerator (find out next Friday at eleven). If you need to ask whether women should be allowed on submarines, I can only assume it's because you can't figure out who is going to make your sandwiches from now on.

I Bet They Sure Feel Silly

Fox has a reputation for making unwise predictions and being overzealous in their reporting. Sure, BP told everyone that the spill wasn't nearly as bad as it actually is, but you really can't take their word for it and pretend everything is fine. The smart thing to do here would have been to quote whoever told them that the disaster was contained rather than making fools of themselves for the sake of being the first to report it. The oil spill is as bad for the Gulf Coast as Fox is for journalism.