Who Needs News When You Can Have Not News?

[VIDEO] I totally understand what Fox is doing here. The President gives important speeches all the time, so when a potential catastrophe occurs, it only makes sense to cut him off in order to cover it. News networks do this sort of thing all them time, especially when disaster strikes. This video is not for the weak at heart, so make sure your children aren't in the room when you choose to witness the horror that is a commercial airliner making a completely normal landing. I can only assume they were hoping for a crash, so they could be the first to cover it.

'Bill' Signed Into 'Law' By 'President' (If You Know What I Mean)

Who else would use a common phrase that explicitly indicates fraud when referring to a partisan political issue that successfully made it through a legal legislative process? Also note that the three stories directly below this headline are all written to attract conservative readers. This is not uncommon, nor is it a coincidence. Fox is so fair and balanced that it hurts.

Everything is Black and White, and Everyone is Terrified

Sure a device like this could be used by terrorists, but why is that they always skip over every other possibility and go straight for terrorism? For that matter, why does anything that can potentially make it more difficult for the government to track you automatically become evil? And why does everything have to be anti-this or pro-that? The only thing I'm sure of right now is this: Fox is pro-fear.

I Can't Stop Imagining Fox Staffers Playing With Dolls

I couldn't find the a link for the original story, so I'm just going to use the Fox standard here and assume that this was a serious story that was purposefully represented with inappropriate (and stupid) humor. It was probably something about liberals trying to destroy America by regulating industrial toxins in children's toys.

Three Puns In One Day? It Must Be My Birthday!

Oh, there's A Corn here, all right. Right? See what I did there? What can I say? It's hard work keeping up with such comedic genius. Looks like I'm going to have to make a "puns" tag.

Two Puns For The Price Of One

They must have worked really hard on this one. It would have been much funnier if Fox wasn't such an ardent supporter of the Tea Party movement. If only CNN had thought of it first...

On A Dark Day, My Humor Eludes Me

Out of respect for a fallen friend, I simply can't bring myself to make a joke today. I'm sure this one speaks for itself, anyway.

Nothing Gets The President In The Mood Like A Good Abortion

The full sub-headline reads as follows: "Bart Stupak had in his hands the power to stop federal funding of abortions, and he handed the power to the man who is schoolgirl-giddy in love with idea of funding abortions – Barack Obama." I think what they're trying to say here, and I'm sure everyone will agree, that just the thought of a woman having an abortion makes Barack Obama feel like this:

I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up If I Tried

This is absolutely fantastic. This image linked to an article about a study claiming that dinosaurs often had sex before they reached full maturity. The best part is that someone at Fox thought that there must be an age at which the extinct reptiles could legally start getting it on.

So Crazy, They Had To Give It A Face

The use of quotation marks and the likeness of John Boehner (who actually said it) is a thinly veiled attempt at hiding the fact that the people over at Fox believe every word of it.

Once Again, Why Is A News Organization Panicking?

News networks usually use the term "BREAKING NEWS" or "HAPPENING NOW" to describe the inherent newness of a story that has just come hot off the wire. One thing you'll notice about Fox is that when a story breaks that conflicts with their predetermined world view, they tag it as "URGENT." I've been seeing this  a lot in a recent days regarding the health care bill before Congress and it leads me to believe that the staff at Fox have stopped taking their Lexapro.

If You Multitask, The Terrorists Win

Little known fact: In addition to being our first African-American President, Barack Obama is also the first who cannot walk and chew bubble gum at the same time.

Please Let This Be A "Spy vs. Spy" Pun

Guess which ones are the bad nuns?

Someone Better Explain To The Terrorists What A Mall Is

Well, by "mall," we mean "Wal-Mart." Oh, and by "Terror Threat" we mean "black woman with a shopping cart." Don't worry, I think they'll get the message.

FOX: Ignore Reality

Unlike most who will read this headline, I actually watched Obama's interview with Bret Baier. Brace yourself, because I know it's shocking, but the President said no such thing. What he did say is that it's not his job to deal with congressional procedure one way or the other (which is true) and most Americans aren't worried about the inner workings of the legislature because they have much bigger problems (unfortunate, but also true). People should care what their government is doing, but there was nothing wrong or controversial about what Obama said and he certainly wasn't telling anyone to turn a blind eye, something Fox News did for a good eight years.

Real News Organizations Aren't Supposed To Appear Desperate

I know Fox and their Tea Party fanatics think "We the People" refers only to them, but this really reeks of paranoia and delusion. I won't be surprised if Glenn Beck starts bringing guns on his show.

Choosing Your Words Carefully Is Overrated

I have no delusions about the fact that almost everything FOX News does is intentional, including all the ridiculous things that appear on their web site. The way they present their editorial opinions as news is a big enough problem, but it's their ability to say something overtly political and not realize how stupid it sounds that makes them appear as ridiculous as they are dangerous. By the way, the link itself leads to a poll that is, unsurprisingly, way too slanted to be considered "fair and balanced."

Most Accurate Headline Ever

I detect at least three instances of horrible Photoshop effects, all of which are alarmingly amateur for a national "news" organization, and none of which are less offensive than a Nazi.

Matt Damon Hates Your Freedom

I guess they didn't hear about Ben Affleck's new film. They are not going to be happy when they see him in a dishdasha.