Confusing Reality With Tabloid Journalism

Here's a clip from CNN about how Fox News reported a story from the Weekly World News tabloid, concerning the use of jet packs by the LAPD. To be fair, it came from the extremely disreputable morning show, Fox & Friends, but if they choose to put it on the air and report it as news, we are to assume that the network intends for the public to consume it as such.

It's Aliiiiiiive!!!! Also, Fox Has An Official Position On Your Genitals

Back from the dead, you say? Perhaps. It has been quite a long time since I updated this blog and part of the reason for the hiatus was that Fox changed their web site and took away all my good material. The other half of that reason is that without such easy targets, I just didn't have the energy to continue. However, I have recently discovered Fox's "Photo Op-inion: Best of the Week" section and oh my goodness, is it unbelievable. So with newfound inspiration, I have decided that I will take another stab at it, although I won't focus solely on headlines. To get us started, I will share this gem, which I apparently saved as a draft at the beginning of the summer and never posted. It's an article that suggests that everyone should shave their public hair. Sure, in these times I may be taking an unpopular stance on this issue, but that's neither here nor there. Equally as horrifying is the knowledge that Fox has a section called "Fox on Sex." Never mind that I will never view Dr. Suess the same way, but I think we should all be very worried about the poor soul who looks to these people for sexual advice.

The Times They Are a-Changin'

To anyone who reads this blog, I apologize for the lack of updates recently. Things have gotten busier and ever since Fox updated the previously embarrassing way in which they presented news, it's become increasing difficult to point out how ridiculous they are. I will probably be updating less, but I will try to spend more time scouring the Internet looking for old headlines that remind us of the good old days, when foxnews.com was one of the weakest and most hilarious arms of the Fox News empire. Do not fret, as I'm sure I will run into some hilarity on their new site, as well. Thank you to those of you who enjoy this enough to waste a few minutes of your day here. Also, feel free to send in any crazy Fox News stuff you might find on the web.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never thought this day would come, but it finally happened. The good people at Fox News have finally decided that they don't want their website to look like it's being run by interns. I don't know who had to get fired for this to occur, but the stupid looking headlines appear to be gone. This is obviously going to make my job more difficult, which I suppose is partly my fault. Sure, nobody at Fox (or anywhere else) really reads this blog, but the timing sure is suspicious. For years, the front page of their web site has looked like utter shit as a result of their mysterious Photoshop addiction, but as soon as I start poking fun at, they decide to comply with child labor laws and let the adults take over? I have no choice but to take responsibility for this, even though it makes absolutely no sense to do so. I must have had it coming. In any case, they will still post ridiculous headlines and images, but they will no longer be so perfectly entangled that the jokes write themselves. I'm actually going to have to sharpen up and start calling them out for being a terrible news network, as opposed to just looking like one. I knew this was getting too easy. Drat.

Fox Writers Contract Horatio Caine Disease

ellipsis n.
1. the omission of one or more words that are obviously understood but that must be supplied to make a construction grammatically complete
2. marks or a mark (as …) indicating an omission (as of words) or a pause

Like so many other common sense principles, the proper usage of an ellipsis seems to have eluded the people who make these headlines. While I was sad to see the trusty old Impact font go, I had no idea what Fox News had in store. Since adopting a more professional looking typeface for their horrible front-page abominations, whoever is in charge of creating these things has decided to introduce the previously rare concepts of emphasis and timing. As you might expect, this has already gotten completely out of hand.

Before I even get to the topic of Fox's egregious use of punctuation, I want to point out the abuse of font formatting. Three types can be seen in each of the images to the left: size variation, capitalization and boldfacing. The reason for using all three at once is beyond my comprehension, as I feel that one is sufficient to get your point across (maybe two if you're desperate). Whenever I read these, I always feel like someone is shouting at me and the volume level is constantly fluctuating, which is very much like listening to Glenn Beck. It gives me a headache and I wish they would stop with the theatrics.

This brings me to my original objection, the molestation of the ellipsis. Can someone please explain this to me? In none of these examples is an ellipsis necessary or even appropriate. The first two come the closest to making sense, because the headlines are referencing something that was said by another person. Unfortunately, neither of these are wrapped in quotation marks, which means that there is no reason to indicate an omission. It seems to me that they are doing this, much like the previously mentioned formatting free-for-all, purely for dramatic effect. This is no real surprise since Fox News definitely specializes in beating your brain to mush with nonsense for the sake of being loud.

If I ignore the bad formatting, the ellipses still linger in my mind. Instead of a maniac with a megaphone, I now imagine David Caruso softly reading the first line when suddenly, he pauses, removes his sunglasses, takes a deep breath, and says something that makes him seem like the biggest jackass on the planet.

I Would Have Preferred, "How Do You Like Them Apples?"

Surprisingly, I've never heard this one before, so I have to give them points for originality. CNN is reporting the story under the boring old headline, "Apple chief unveils new iPhone," which is unfortunate for them because I only read articles that rope me in with clever wordplay and make me think about how smart and funny the writer thinks he is. I'm also somewhat surprised that Apple hasn't trademarked it already, thus forcing orchard farmers to pay out royalties every time they harvest their crops.

When Did Elementary Schools Start Teaching Photoshop?

This looks like something your kid would make you stick on your refrigerator. The globe is obviously from a clip-art gallery, but I really don't understand the drop shadow under the President. Some people think he walks on water and, judging by the powers of levitation he displays here, they could be right. If this image tells us anything it's that Obama is not going to make the United States 'just one of many.' On the contrary, he seems more poised to give the Earth a kick, or perhaps do some ball exercises.

Read These Options To Yourself In Glenn Beck's Voice

I'm sensing a lot of bitterness here. The popular answer seems more sarcastic than anything else, and I can't help but feel like they've started to let Glenn Beck write these. There is such a negative attitude in the way this is worded that I almost feel bad for these guys. The Fox faithful are clearly frustrated with everything Obama is doing, and it's really starting to manifest itself in these polls. Sure, it's probably not a complete coincidence that the "Sestak Report" was released in D.C. while Obama was out of town and right before the holiday weekend, but either way, it's not in any way a big deal. The whole BP fiasco is much bigger than anything else that's happening right now, so the White House could have released the statement any day of the week and I doubt anyone would be paying much attention. Time will tell if the report is true, and Fox will undoubtedly cover it to the point of exhaustion, so I don't know why they're so upset about such a minor detail. Someone needs a nap.

It's Funny Because The Immigrant Is Climbing Over The Fence

This can't be the first time they have used this line. I do appreciate the thorough exposition though, because without the bullet points, I would have been completely lost. Thank goodness Fox provides background information so all the people who don't pay any attention to current events can understand what a news website is talking about when they make stupid jokes instead of just reporting.

Nope

This is from two weeks ago. In yet another desperate attempt to defend our corporate overlords, Fox makes one of their hasty predictions that turns out to be nothing more than an attention-grabbing teaser. Well, they've made a breakthrough, all right. Their oil has broken through the Gulf Coast and into our fragile ecosystem. Ironically, BP executives were aboard the now-sunken drilling platform when the disaster started, celebrating the rig's safety record.

Fox Breaks Their Only Camera, Makes Mohammed Feel Ugly

I guess the lack of photograph here is supposed to poke fun at the censorship of Mohammed. Despite the apparent, I'm actually going to assume that Fox was just too afraid to post a real image, which is completely understandable considering no other major news media outlets would, either. I almost admired their mocking humor for a moment, but then I realized that I was looking at a national news network and not Comedy Central, and my admiration instantly turned to shame.

I Don't Understand What You're Saying

As a general rule, there's nothing worse than being so inept at manipulating the English language that one resorts to using sports analogies in situations in which doing so is completely unnecessary, that is to say, all situations outside of actual sports. So, it should come as no shock that Fox managed to find a way to override this infallible truth by taking one of these sporty phrases and turning it into a metaphor for absolutely nothing. A "slam dunk" refers to a task that is so simple, that the probability of its success is near 100% (for example, using the term "slam dunk" correctly). Somehow, this is supposed to make sense in the context of an Illinois school denying its girls' basketball team a promised trip to Arizona as a way of protesting the latter's recently passed law regarding illegal immigration, but I just can't find it. To Fox's credit, someone must have realized how stupid this seemed, as within hours, the original was replaced with this second gem, which correctly commits this cardinal sin against our language.

Somebody Clearly Doesn't Watch Adult Swim

I can only assume we're not talking about the flash game, but all I can think about now is Jesus punching Moses in the face. Unfortunately, this turns out to be just another Republican primary quarrel about who can be the most conservative, which is extremely disappointing to say the least. It's really not fair to promise a "bible brawl" that you can't deliver. Next time, I demand to see someone knocked unconscious with the ten commandments.

Someone Is Actually Being Paid For This

This might just be the most poorly edited image I've ever seen. Even if I ignore the horribly cropped image of a gigantic Obama, the weak drop shadow used to cover it up, and the pathetic attempt at a news logo, what really bothers me is the choice of photograph. Why in the world does the President have a pair of microphones under his desk? Also, who the hell is he pointing at? Is this what Fox thinks a newsroom looks like? How is this the most popular news network in the country?

Don't Mess With Tornado Cat

I don't know if Fox was going for dramatic effect with this picture of a wet cat, but if they were, I can tell you that it didn't work on me. I don't feel sorry for this animal so much as I feel terrified of it. I mean, this cat looks like a badass, and any animal that survives a tornado and doesn't seem to care should be approached with caution. The look on his face tells me that not only did he stop the storm all by himself, but also that he's hungry for more.

Students Forget Country Of Origin, Wear Flags As Reminder

Imagine my surprise when I visited the Fox News website today, only to discover a truly shocking story. Allegedly, many parents are forcing their innocent children to wear stupid Old Navy shirts sporting Old Glory, in what is being described as a desperate attempt to rediscover their own youth, which they obviously lost in the 1990s. It never really made sense to me why people in the United States wear clothing with their own flag on it. The symbol doesn't speak very loudly when you are almost exclusively surrounded by other Americans. Thanks for letting me know that you're one of us, because I was really starting to worry. In truth, the story is actually about students in California who were sent home from school for wearing clothes and bandannas displaying the Stars and Stripes on Cinco de Mayo. Sure, it was a blatant and immature middle finger to the students' "ethnic" classmates, but it's free speech nonetheless. Now, it turns out that the story doesn't actually mention anything about banning the American Flag, but that was not enough to stop Fox from asking yet another brain teaser in their daily poll. Sure, the possible answers are pretty normal, but honestly, what kind of results do you expect when you ask, "Should the American Flag be Banned -- in America?" I've never bothered to ask what happens to the people who vote differently in these polls, but I can only imagine that they are visited by the CIA and possibly detained as enemy combatants.

It's Funny Because A Submarine Is Phallic

Instead of showing important and necessary policy changes in a positive light, Fox always finds a way to ask irrelevant questions just to stir the pot. It reminds me of how local news networks like to tease you about the possibility of your children being murdered by your refrigerator (find out next Friday at eleven). If you need to ask whether women should be allowed on submarines, I can only assume it's because you can't figure out who is going to make your sandwiches from now on.

I Bet They Sure Feel Silly

Fox has a reputation for making unwise predictions and being overzealous in their reporting. Sure, BP told everyone that the spill wasn't nearly as bad as it actually is, but you really can't take their word for it and pretend everything is fine. The smart thing to do here would have been to quote whoever told them that the disaster was contained rather than making fools of themselves for the sake of being the first to report it. The oil spill is as bad for the Gulf Coast as Fox is for journalism.

Congress Plays Hangman With Goldman Sachs Execs

As we all know, the media is afraid of naughty words. They do their best to confuse and obscure by replacing letters with random characters, making an otherwise obscene message indecipherable. So if I ask "How fu$@ing stupid do these a#%holes think we are?", you would be completely lost. Well, Fox takes it one step further, by masking so many letters that you really don't know what they're trying to say. 'Shaggy' deal? That's kind of weird. It could be 'Shoney,' but I don't think this has anything to do with restaurants. Hmmm...

It's Just Not The Same

This may be end of an era. It looks like Fox is ditching their trusty old Impact font for something a little less amateur. While I'm glad they are moving on, because they might as well have been using Comic Sans, I'm also a feeling a little sad and nostalgic. Fear not, fellow mourners, because here we have something that should cheer you right up. If the image of a tiny horse and a St. Bernard doesn't warm your heart, then surely the fact that this was the main headline at foxnews.com will bring you that desperately needed smile.

iThink iMight iMbibe iPecac

It's actually sort of clever the way Fox is playing on Apple's obsession with affixing the letter "i" to the names of their products. It's amazing that United States copyright law has essentially allowed a company to trademark a letter of the alphabet. Anyway, this one was another missed opportunity for Fox's humor/news department. It's about time someone shared with them the timeless adage, "If you don't have anything funny to say, then shut up and stop trying to be funny."

Now That's Just Cruel

At least now this guy has the money to get that taken care of. Shame on Fox for poking fun at their own viewers like that. Then again, maybe they'll give him his own show or at least an ironic nickname like, "Joe the Dentist."

You Can Have My Salt When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands

The people at Fox have become so paranoid that the government is going to take away their cheeseburgers that they have begun kicking their fear campaign into high gear. Let's ignore the "Shake-Up" joke for a minute. "War on Salt" is a term I haven't heard before, but if history has taught us anything, it's that we will soon have another Bill O'Reilly book unleashed upon us, and Glenn Beck will shower us with tears. I saw the obligatory reference to the "Nanny State", but then something else caught my eye. The Fox website has a regular feature called "YOU DECIDE," which is a poll that allows readers to express themselves about whatever Fox is scaring them about on any given day. The problem is that almost every poll on the site indicates near-unanimous support for an answer that you know will win the contest before you even see the results. Yes, it's that predictable. The funny thing about this poll is that the most popular response doesn't have that much to do with the article, which mentions that the FDA is trying to do something about the dangerous amounts of sodium food manufacturers put into just about everything. No one is talking about outlawing your precious Twinkies or even the ability to pour tons of table salt over your meals. Fox is clearly confused, because using the title "Should Government Regulate What Americans Eat," proves that they don't understand what the FDA does or why it exists. This explains a lot, because it seems to me that these people ate way too much lead paint during childhood.

Oh My God, It's Become Self-Aware

How in the world am I supposed to make fun of something like this? It's like calling someone stupid who happens to be wearing a shirt that says "I'm With Stupid," with an arrow pointing up. It's a good thing that I don't make any money off of this site, because this kind of thing would put me out of business. Well played, Fox. Well played.

John Paul Stevens Is Going To Kick Your Ass

The President better watch his back. I thought the 89-year-old Supreme Court justice was just going to retire, but there's more to it. Obviously, Obama is worried because he has to appoint a replacement whom the GOP will surely put through the wringer during confirmation hearings. Worst of all, this picture seems to indicate that if he doesn't do it fast enough, JP Stephens is going to lay the smackdown. You can't trust an old man who fooled the president who appointed him. Even in death, Gerald Ford's probably still sore from that one.

Another Missed Opportunity For "Audacity of Pope"

This one is such a stretch that it's not even fair to call it a pun. It's like when your weird uncle tries to make a joke that's so lame that everyone is forced to stand there in awkward silence, waiting for someone to change the subject. I also love that the article this links to claims that it's the GOP that is upset over the president's obvious hatred of his own country. When you place emphasis on harmless statements like this, I would like to think that even a Fox viewer could figure out what your intentions are.

For The Love Of God, Make It Stop

Okay, so puns are all too common on local news networks, usually when used to reference human interest stories. I get that. Yet, I rarely find this kind of annoying wordplay on CNN, MSNBC, BBC, PBS, or ABC and almost never do I see it used on front page headlines. I know Fox thinks that the news is a joke, but I can't figure out if their daily attempts at bad comedy are meant to mock us or if they really don't know any better. Judging by his posture, I would say Sting is equally confounded.

Some Questions Should Be Left Unanswered

Why is this on the front page? Seriously. I know networks have slow days, but is there really so little news out there that this kind of crap makes your headlines? I thought I had accidentally stumbled upon TMZ.com, but once my eyes came across the pun, I knew I was in Foxland. The fact that this even exists on a news site is so mind-boggling that I'm not even questioning why a fashion magazine would want to create something like this in the first place.

Finally, A Real Reason To Take Up Smoking

While the rest of the liberal media use letters and numbers with reckless abandon, Fox News takes the initiative to stamp out such wasteful alphanumeric spending. Instead of using the already abbreviated term "health care" to refer to recent health care reform efforts, they are staying true to their fiscally conservative roots by simply using the word "health." Best of all, there's no way it could possibly be confusing to the type of intellectual that trusts an outfit like Fox to provide them with accurate information.

Fox Is Clearly A Strong Opponent of PUN CONTROL

Throughout the day, Fox repeatedly used the term "dope-lomat" (which I can only assume is a place where you wash your dirty dope) on their website in various article headlines. They must really be patting themselves on the back for this one. You've got to love their total surprise at the diplomatic immunity in play here, especially considering their unabashed support of countless politicians throughout the years who have committed crimes that would have landed any normal citizen in prison. In fact, Fox loved this photo so much that they decided to use it again later in the day, only this time they replaced the pun with another baseball reference. I don't know if they mean "outta here" as in being knocked out of the country for a home run, or as in no longer safe at his base here in the United States. Or maybe they mean that he's being tossed out of the game for causing an unsportsmanlike ruckus on the field. Usually Fox is easier to figure out than this and it's really making my head hurt.

You're Lucky Mother Nature Even Lets You Live

Just when you thought it was safe to have a picnic in the park, that bitch comes rolling into town to blow the roof off your house. I think the only logical solution is to start building yourself a Cold War era fallout shelter now, so you can finish by summer and then spend the rest of 2010 underground. Because, if there is one thing we can count on, it's that weather forecasts are always accurate.

This Could Not Have Made The Front Page Anywhere Else

There's nothing particularly controversial about covering this story. In fact, I think everyone should be aware of the ongoing homo-steria in this country. However, the fact that this made the headlines at Fox really says a lot about their target audience. I couldn't find any official clips of the play, so I can't really examine just how blasphemous it is. I will just assume that the following video is an accurate representation. I can certainly see why those Texans are so upset.

Thankfully, Juxtaposition Is Not A Lost Art

This could just be my own odd sense of humor, but I almost lost it when I saw the words "beef up" placed next to this Wilford Brimley wannabe. It's a stretch, I know. However, the biggest laugh came when I did a Google image search for "Wilford Brimley" and the related searches that were suggested to me included "wilford brimley cat" and "diabeetus." If you don't get the joke, then you may want to go see for yourself.

This Is Why Pittsburgh Is Not A Baseball Town

There are so many possible jokes here, but most of them are in reference to the Pittsburgh Pirates, so I'm just going sit back and enjoy the humor in Fox's desire to oversimplify everything for us, especially with the use of sports metaphors. And I thought they really had a chance this season.

We Drink the Tears of Farmers

I must admit, this is pretty funny. Not the extensive loss of property, but the clever wordplay, although someone obviously thought the subject matter was hilarious.

Who Needs News When You Can Have Not News?

[VIDEO] I totally understand what Fox is doing here. The President gives important speeches all the time, so when a potential catastrophe occurs, it only makes sense to cut him off in order to cover it. News networks do this sort of thing all them time, especially when disaster strikes. This video is not for the weak at heart, so make sure your children aren't in the room when you choose to witness the horror that is a commercial airliner making a completely normal landing. I can only assume they were hoping for a crash, so they could be the first to cover it.

'Bill' Signed Into 'Law' By 'President' (If You Know What I Mean)

Who else would use a common phrase that explicitly indicates fraud when referring to a partisan political issue that successfully made it through a legal legislative process? Also note that the three stories directly below this headline are all written to attract conservative readers. This is not uncommon, nor is it a coincidence. Fox is so fair and balanced that it hurts.

Everything is Black and White, and Everyone is Terrified

Sure a device like this could be used by terrorists, but why is that they always skip over every other possibility and go straight for terrorism? For that matter, why does anything that can potentially make it more difficult for the government to track you automatically become evil? And why does everything have to be anti-this or pro-that? The only thing I'm sure of right now is this: Fox is pro-fear.

I Can't Stop Imagining Fox Staffers Playing With Dolls

I couldn't find the a link for the original story, so I'm just going to use the Fox standard here and assume that this was a serious story that was purposefully represented with inappropriate (and stupid) humor. It was probably something about liberals trying to destroy America by regulating industrial toxins in children's toys.

Three Puns In One Day? It Must Be My Birthday!

Oh, there's A Corn here, all right. Right? See what I did there? What can I say? It's hard work keeping up with such comedic genius. Looks like I'm going to have to make a "puns" tag.

Two Puns For The Price Of One

They must have worked really hard on this one. It would have been much funnier if Fox wasn't such an ardent supporter of the Tea Party movement. If only CNN had thought of it first...

On A Dark Day, My Humor Eludes Me

Out of respect for a fallen friend, I simply can't bring myself to make a joke today. I'm sure this one speaks for itself, anyway.

Nothing Gets The President In The Mood Like A Good Abortion

The full sub-headline reads as follows: "Bart Stupak had in his hands the power to stop federal funding of abortions, and he handed the power to the man who is schoolgirl-giddy in love with idea of funding abortions – Barack Obama." I think what they're trying to say here, and I'm sure everyone will agree, that just the thought of a woman having an abortion makes Barack Obama feel like this:

I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up If I Tried

This is absolutely fantastic. This image linked to an article about a study claiming that dinosaurs often had sex before they reached full maturity. The best part is that someone at Fox thought that there must be an age at which the extinct reptiles could legally start getting it on.