Congress Plays Hangman With Goldman Sachs Execs

As we all know, the media is afraid of naughty words. They do their best to confuse and obscure by replacing letters with random characters, making an otherwise obscene message indecipherable. So if I ask "How fu$@ing stupid do these a#%holes think we are?", you would be completely lost. Well, Fox takes it one step further, by masking so many letters that you really don't know what they're trying to say. 'Shaggy' deal? That's kind of weird. It could be 'Shoney,' but I don't think this has anything to do with restaurants. Hmmm...

It's Just Not The Same

This may be end of an era. It looks like Fox is ditching their trusty old Impact font for something a little less amateur. While I'm glad they are moving on, because they might as well have been using Comic Sans, I'm also a feeling a little sad and nostalgic. Fear not, fellow mourners, because here we have something that should cheer you right up. If the image of a tiny horse and a St. Bernard doesn't warm your heart, then surely the fact that this was the main headline at will bring you that desperately needed smile.

iThink iMight iMbibe iPecac

It's actually sort of clever the way Fox is playing on Apple's obsession with affixing the letter "i" to the names of their products. It's amazing that United States copyright law has essentially allowed a company to trademark a letter of the alphabet. Anyway, this one was another missed opportunity for Fox's humor/news department. It's about time someone shared with them the timeless adage, "If you don't have anything funny to say, then shut up and stop trying to be funny."

Now That's Just Cruel

At least now this guy has the money to get that taken care of. Shame on Fox for poking fun at their own viewers like that. Then again, maybe they'll give him his own show or at least an ironic nickname like, "Joe the Dentist."

You Can Have My Salt When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands

The people at Fox have become so paranoid that the government is going to take away their cheeseburgers that they have begun kicking their fear campaign into high gear. Let's ignore the "Shake-Up" joke for a minute. "War on Salt" is a term I haven't heard before, but if history has taught us anything, it's that we will soon have another Bill O'Reilly book unleashed upon us, and Glenn Beck will shower us with tears. I saw the obligatory reference to the "Nanny State", but then something else caught my eye. The Fox website has a regular feature called "YOU DECIDE," which is a poll that allows readers to express themselves about whatever Fox is scaring them about on any given day. The problem is that almost every poll on the site indicates near-unanimous support for an answer that you know will win the contest before you even see the results. Yes, it's that predictable. The funny thing about this poll is that the most popular response doesn't have that much to do with the article, which mentions that the FDA is trying to do something about the dangerous amounts of sodium food manufacturers put into just about everything. No one is talking about outlawing your precious Twinkies or even the ability to pour tons of table salt over your meals. Fox is clearly confused, because using the title "Should Government Regulate What Americans Eat," proves that they don't understand what the FDA does or why it exists. This explains a lot, because it seems to me that these people ate way too much lead paint during childhood.

Oh My God, It's Become Self-Aware

How in the world am I supposed to make fun of something like this? It's like calling someone stupid who happens to be wearing a shirt that says "I'm With Stupid," with an arrow pointing up. It's a good thing that I don't make any money off of this site, because this kind of thing would put me out of business. Well played, Fox. Well played.

John Paul Stevens Is Going To Kick Your Ass

The President better watch his back. I thought the 89-year-old Supreme Court justice was just going to retire, but there's more to it. Obviously, Obama is worried because he has to appoint a replacement whom the GOP will surely put through the wringer during confirmation hearings. Worst of all, this picture seems to indicate that if he doesn't do it fast enough, JP Stephens is going to lay the smackdown. You can't trust an old man who fooled the president who appointed him. Even in death, Gerald Ford's probably still sore from that one.

Another Missed Opportunity For "Audacity of Pope"

This one is such a stretch that it's not even fair to call it a pun. It's like when your weird uncle tries to make a joke that's so lame that everyone is forced to stand there in awkward silence, waiting for someone to change the subject. I also love that the article this links to claims that it's the GOP that is upset over the president's obvious hatred of his own country. When you place emphasis on harmless statements like this, I would like to think that even a Fox viewer could figure out what your intentions are.

For The Love Of God, Make It Stop

Okay, so puns are all too common on local news networks, usually when used to reference human interest stories. I get that. Yet, I rarely find this kind of annoying wordplay on CNN, MSNBC, BBC, PBS, or ABC and almost never do I see it used on front page headlines. I know Fox thinks that the news is a joke, but I can't figure out if their daily attempts at bad comedy are meant to mock us or if they really don't know any better. Judging by his posture, I would say Sting is equally confounded.

Some Questions Should Be Left Unanswered

Why is this on the front page? Seriously. I know networks have slow days, but is there really so little news out there that this kind of crap makes your headlines? I thought I had accidentally stumbled upon, but once my eyes came across the pun, I knew I was in Foxland. The fact that this even exists on a news site is so mind-boggling that I'm not even questioning why a fashion magazine would want to create something like this in the first place.

Finally, A Real Reason To Take Up Smoking

While the rest of the liberal media use letters and numbers with reckless abandon, Fox News takes the initiative to stamp out such wasteful alphanumeric spending. Instead of using the already abbreviated term "health care" to refer to recent health care reform efforts, they are staying true to their fiscally conservative roots by simply using the word "health." Best of all, there's no way it could possibly be confusing to the type of intellectual that trusts an outfit like Fox to provide them with accurate information.

Fox Is Clearly A Strong Opponent of PUN CONTROL

Throughout the day, Fox repeatedly used the term "dope-lomat" (which I can only assume is a place where you wash your dirty dope) on their website in various article headlines. They must really be patting themselves on the back for this one. You've got to love their total surprise at the diplomatic immunity in play here, especially considering their unabashed support of countless politicians throughout the years who have committed crimes that would have landed any normal citizen in prison. In fact, Fox loved this photo so much that they decided to use it again later in the day, only this time they replaced the pun with another baseball reference. I don't know if they mean "outta here" as in being knocked out of the country for a home run, or as in no longer safe at his base here in the United States. Or maybe they mean that he's being tossed out of the game for causing an unsportsmanlike ruckus on the field. Usually Fox is easier to figure out than this and it's really making my head hurt.

You're Lucky Mother Nature Even Lets You Live

Just when you thought it was safe to have a picnic in the park, that bitch comes rolling into town to blow the roof off your house. I think the only logical solution is to start building yourself a Cold War era fallout shelter now, so you can finish by summer and then spend the rest of 2010 underground. Because, if there is one thing we can count on, it's that weather forecasts are always accurate.

This Could Not Have Made The Front Page Anywhere Else

There's nothing particularly controversial about covering this story. In fact, I think everyone should be aware of the ongoing homo-steria in this country. However, the fact that this made the headlines at Fox really says a lot about their target audience. I couldn't find any official clips of the play, so I can't really examine just how blasphemous it is. I will just assume that the following video is an accurate representation. I can certainly see why those Texans are so upset.

Thankfully, Juxtaposition Is Not A Lost Art

This could just be my own odd sense of humor, but I almost lost it when I saw the words "beef up" placed next to this Wilford Brimley wannabe. It's a stretch, I know. However, the biggest laugh came when I did a Google image search for "Wilford Brimley" and the related searches that were suggested to me included "wilford brimley cat" and "diabeetus." If you don't get the joke, then you may want to go see for yourself.

This Is Why Pittsburgh Is Not A Baseball Town

There are so many possible jokes here, but most of them are in reference to the Pittsburgh Pirates, so I'm just going sit back and enjoy the humor in Fox's desire to oversimplify everything for us, especially with the use of sports metaphors. And I thought they really had a chance this season.

We Drink the Tears of Farmers

I must admit, this is pretty funny. Not the extensive loss of property, but the clever wordplay, although someone obviously thought the subject matter was hilarious.