Because Fox News Writes The Jokes For Me

I abandoned this blog a while back for two reasons.

The first was that the well seemed to dry up. Fox News stopped creating humorous front page graphics that contained unintentionally hilarious headlines, so I gave up.

The second is that, while I have been known to crack jokes with extreme regularity, I am not a comedian. It was not easy to come up with fresh material because Fox News writes SO MANY ridiculous headlines. I just couldn't keep up. 

So today, I came across this gem:

  

Needless to say, Fox is clearly back in business, so I guess I am too. I'm going to stop posting here and do it via Twitter instead. And I'm going to keep the commentary to a minimum because, honestly, it's unnecessary. The material really writes itself.

if you want to follow, checkout @RidicFoxNews.

Confusing Reality With Tabloid Journalism

Here's a clip from CNN about how Fox News reported a story from the Weekly World News tabloid, concerning the use of jet packs by the LAPD. To be fair, it came from the extremely disreputable morning show, Fox & Friends, but if they choose to put it on the air and report it as news, we are to assume that the network intends for the public to consume it as such.

It's Aliiiiiiive!!!! Also, Fox Has An Official Position On Your Genitals

Back from the dead, you say? Perhaps. It has been quite a long time since I updated this blog and part of the reason for the hiatus was that Fox changed their web site and took away all my good material. The other half of that reason is that without such easy targets, I just didn't have the energy to continue. However, I have recently discovered Fox's "Photo Op-inion: Best of the Week" section and oh my goodness, is it unbelievable. So with newfound inspiration, I have decided that I will take another stab at it, although I won't focus solely on headlines. To get us started, I will share this gem, which I apparently saved as a draft at the beginning of the summer and never posted. It's an article that suggests that everyone should shave their public hair. Sure, in these times I may be taking an unpopular stance on this issue, but that's neither here nor there. Equally as horrifying is the knowledge that Fox has a section called "Fox on Sex." Never mind that I will never view Dr. Suess the same way, but I think we should all be very worried about the poor soul who looks to these people for sexual advice.

The Times They Are a-Changin'

To anyone who reads this blog, I apologize for the lack of updates recently. Things have gotten busier and ever since Fox updated the previously embarrassing way in which they presented news, it's become increasing difficult to point out how ridiculous they are. I will probably be updating less, but I will try to spend more time scouring the Internet looking for old headlines that remind us of the good old days, when foxnews.com was one of the weakest and most hilarious arms of the Fox News empire. Do not fret, as I'm sure I will run into some hilarity on their new site, as well. Thank you to those of you who enjoy this enough to waste a few minutes of your day here. Also, feel free to send in any crazy Fox News stuff you might find on the web.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never thought this day would come, but it finally happened. The good people at Fox News have finally decided that they don't want their website to look like it's being run by interns. I don't know who had to get fired for this to occur, but the stupid looking headlines appear to be gone. This is obviously going to make my job more difficult, which I suppose is partly my fault. Sure, nobody at Fox (or anywhere else) really reads this blog, but the timing sure is suspicious. For years, the front page of their web site has looked like utter shit as a result of their mysterious Photoshop addiction, but as soon as I start poking fun at, they decide to comply with child labor laws and let the adults take over? I have no choice but to take responsibility for this, even though it makes absolutely no sense to do so. I must have had it coming. In any case, they will still post ridiculous headlines and images, but they will no longer be so perfectly entangled that the jokes write themselves. I'm actually going to have to sharpen up and start calling them out for being a terrible news network, as opposed to just looking like one. I knew this was getting too easy. Drat.

Fox Writers Contract Horatio Caine Disease

ellipsis n.
1. the omission of one or more words that are obviously understood but that must be supplied to make a construction grammatically complete
2. marks or a mark (as …) indicating an omission (as of words) or a pause

Like so many other common sense principles, the proper usage of an ellipsis seems to have eluded the people who make these headlines. While I was sad to see the trusty old Impact font go, I had no idea what Fox News had in store. Since adopting a more professional looking typeface for their horrible front-page abominations, whoever is in charge of creating these things has decided to introduce the previously rare concepts of emphasis and timing. As you might expect, this has already gotten completely out of hand.

Before I even get to the topic of Fox's egregious use of punctuation, I want to point out the abuse of font formatting. Three types can be seen in each of the images to the left: size variation, capitalization and boldfacing. The reason for using all three at once is beyond my comprehension, as I feel that one is sufficient to get your point across (maybe two if you're desperate). Whenever I read these, I always feel like someone is shouting at me and the volume level is constantly fluctuating, which is very much like listening to Glenn Beck. It gives me a headache and I wish they would stop with the theatrics.

This brings me to my original objection, the molestation of the ellipsis. Can someone please explain this to me? In none of these examples is an ellipsis necessary or even appropriate. The first two come the closest to making sense, because the headlines are referencing something that was said by another person. Unfortunately, neither of these are wrapped in quotation marks, which means that there is no reason to indicate an omission. It seems to me that they are doing this, much like the previously mentioned formatting free-for-all, purely for dramatic effect. This is no real surprise since Fox News definitely specializes in beating your brain to mush with nonsense for the sake of being loud.

If I ignore the bad formatting, the ellipses still linger in my mind. Instead of a maniac with a megaphone, I now imagine David Caruso softly reading the first line when suddenly, he pauses, removes his sunglasses, takes a deep breath, and says something that makes him seem like the biggest jackass on the planet.

I Would Have Preferred, "How Do You Like Them Apples?"

Surprisingly, I've never heard this one before, so I have to give them points for originality. CNN is reporting the story under the boring old headline, "Apple chief unveils new iPhone," which is unfortunate for them because I only read articles that rope me in with clever wordplay and make me think about how smart and funny the writer thinks he is. I'm also somewhat surprised that Apple hasn't trademarked it already, thus forcing orchard farmers to pay out royalties every time they harvest their crops.