I Would Have Preferred, "How Do You Like Them Apples?"

Surprisingly, I've never heard this one before, so I have to give them points for originality. CNN is reporting the story under the boring old headline, "Apple chief unveils new iPhone," which is unfortunate for them because I only read articles that rope me in with clever wordplay and make me think about how smart and funny the writer thinks he is. I'm also somewhat surprised that Apple hasn't trademarked it already, thus forcing orchard farmers to pay out royalties every time they harvest their crops.

Fox Breaks Their Only Camera, Makes Mohammed Feel Ugly

I guess the lack of photograph here is supposed to poke fun at the censorship of Mohammed. Despite the apparent, I'm actually going to assume that Fox was just too afraid to post a real image, which is completely understandable considering no other major news media outlets would, either. I almost admired their mocking humor for a moment, but then I realized that I was looking at a national news network and not Comedy Central, and my admiration instantly turned to shame.

I Don't Understand What You're Saying

As a general rule, there's nothing worse than being so inept at manipulating the English language that one resorts to using sports analogies in situations in which doing so is completely unnecessary, that is to say, all situations outside of actual sports. So, it should come as no shock that Fox managed to find a way to override this infallible truth by taking one of these sporty phrases and turning it into a metaphor for absolutely nothing. A "slam dunk" refers to a task that is so simple, that the probability of its success is near 100% (for example, using the term "slam dunk" correctly). Somehow, this is supposed to make sense in the context of an Illinois school denying its girls' basketball team a promised trip to Arizona as a way of protesting the latter's recently passed law regarding illegal immigration, but I just can't find it. To Fox's credit, someone must have realized how stupid this seemed, as within hours, the original was replaced with this second gem, which correctly commits this cardinal sin against our language.

iThink iMight iMbibe iPecac

It's actually sort of clever the way Fox is playing on Apple's obsession with affixing the letter "i" to the names of their products. It's amazing that United States copyright law has essentially allowed a company to trademark a letter of the alphabet. Anyway, this one was another missed opportunity for Fox's humor/news department. It's about time someone shared with them the timeless adage, "If you don't have anything funny to say, then shut up and stop trying to be funny."

Now That's Just Cruel

At least now this guy has the money to get that taken care of. Shame on Fox for poking fun at their own viewers like that. Then again, maybe they'll give him his own show or at least an ironic nickname like, "Joe the Dentist."

Oh My God, It's Become Self-Aware

How in the world am I supposed to make fun of something like this? It's like calling someone stupid who happens to be wearing a shirt that says "I'm With Stupid," with an arrow pointing up. It's a good thing that I don't make any money off of this site, because this kind of thing would put me out of business. Well played, Fox. Well played.

Another Missed Opportunity For "Audacity of Pope"

This one is such a stretch that it's not even fair to call it a pun. It's like when your weird uncle tries to make a joke that's so lame that everyone is forced to stand there in awkward silence, waiting for someone to change the subject. I also love that the article this links to claims that it's the GOP that is upset over the president's obvious hatred of his own country. When you place emphasis on harmless statements like this, I would like to think that even a Fox viewer could figure out what your intentions are.

For The Love Of God, Make It Stop

Okay, so puns are all too common on local news networks, usually when used to reference human interest stories. I get that. Yet, I rarely find this kind of annoying wordplay on CNN, MSNBC, BBC, PBS, or ABC and almost never do I see it used on front page headlines. I know Fox thinks that the news is a joke, but I can't figure out if their daily attempts at bad comedy are meant to mock us or if they really don't know any better. Judging by his posture, I would say Sting is equally confounded.

Some Questions Should Be Left Unanswered

Why is this on the front page? Seriously. I know networks have slow days, but is there really so little news out there that this kind of crap makes your headlines? I thought I had accidentally stumbled upon TMZ.com, but once my eyes came across the pun, I knew I was in Foxland. The fact that this even exists on a news site is so mind-boggling that I'm not even questioning why a fashion magazine would want to create something like this in the first place.

Fox Is Clearly A Strong Opponent of PUN CONTROL

Throughout the day, Fox repeatedly used the term "dope-lomat" (which I can only assume is a place where you wash your dirty dope) on their website in various article headlines. They must really be patting themselves on the back for this one. You've got to love their total surprise at the diplomatic immunity in play here, especially considering their unabashed support of countless politicians throughout the years who have committed crimes that would have landed any normal citizen in prison. In fact, Fox loved this photo so much that they decided to use it again later in the day, only this time they replaced the pun with another baseball reference. I don't know if they mean "outta here" as in being knocked out of the country for a home run, or as in no longer safe at his base here in the United States. Or maybe they mean that he's being tossed out of the game for causing an unsportsmanlike ruckus on the field. Usually Fox is easier to figure out than this and it's really making my head hurt.

This Is Why Pittsburgh Is Not A Baseball Town

There are so many possible jokes here, but most of them are in reference to the Pittsburgh Pirates, so I'm just going sit back and enjoy the humor in Fox's desire to oversimplify everything for us, especially with the use of sports metaphors. And I thought they really had a chance this season.

We Drink the Tears of Farmers

I must admit, this is pretty funny. Not the extensive loss of property, but the clever wordplay, although someone obviously thought the subject matter was hilarious.

I Can't Stop Imagining Fox Staffers Playing With Dolls

I couldn't find the a link for the original story, so I'm just going to use the Fox standard here and assume that this was a serious story that was purposefully represented with inappropriate (and stupid) humor. It was probably something about liberals trying to destroy America by regulating industrial toxins in children's toys.

Three Puns In One Day? It Must Be My Birthday!

Oh, there's A Corn here, all right. Right? See what I did there? What can I say? It's hard work keeping up with such comedic genius. Looks like I'm going to have to make a "puns" tag.

Two Puns For The Price Of One

They must have worked really hard on this one. It would have been much funnier if Fox wasn't such an ardent supporter of the Tea Party movement. If only CNN had thought of it first...

Because The Only Thing More Professional Than Impact Font

is neon green Impact font.

Somehow More Ridiculous Than The Original CNBC Headline

I think swatting a fly is a metaphor for socialism.