It's Aliiiiiiive!!!! Also, Fox Has An Official Position On Your Genitals

Back from the dead, you say? Perhaps. It has been quite a long time since I updated this blog and part of the reason for the hiatus was that Fox changed their web site and took away all my good material. The other half of that reason is that without such easy targets, I just didn't have the energy to continue. However, I have recently discovered Fox's "Photo Op-inion: Best of the Week" section and oh my goodness, is it unbelievable. So with newfound inspiration, I have decided that I will take another stab at it, although I won't focus solely on headlines. To get us started, I will share this gem, which I apparently saved as a draft at the beginning of the summer and never posted. It's an article that suggests that everyone should shave their public hair. Sure, in these times I may be taking an unpopular stance on this issue, but that's neither here nor there. Equally as horrifying is the knowledge that Fox has a section called "Fox on Sex." Never mind that I will never view Dr. Suess the same way, but I think we should all be very worried about the poor soul who looks to these people for sexual advice.

The Times They Are a-Changin'

To anyone who reads this blog, I apologize for the lack of updates recently. Things have gotten busier and ever since Fox updated the previously embarrassing way in which they presented news, it's become increasing difficult to point out how ridiculous they are. I will probably be updating less, but I will try to spend more time scouring the Internet looking for old headlines that remind us of the good old days, when foxnews.com was one of the weakest and most hilarious arms of the Fox News empire. Do not fret, as I'm sure I will run into some hilarity on their new site, as well. Thank you to those of you who enjoy this enough to waste a few minutes of your day here. Also, feel free to send in any crazy Fox News stuff you might find on the web.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never thought this day would come, but it finally happened. The good people at Fox News have finally decided that they don't want their website to look like it's being run by interns. I don't know who had to get fired for this to occur, but the stupid looking headlines appear to be gone. This is obviously going to make my job more difficult, which I suppose is partly my fault. Sure, nobody at Fox (or anywhere else) really reads this blog, but the timing sure is suspicious. For years, the front page of their web site has looked like utter shit as a result of their mysterious Photoshop addiction, but as soon as I start poking fun at, they decide to comply with child labor laws and let the adults take over? I have no choice but to take responsibility for this, even though it makes absolutely no sense to do so. I must have had it coming. In any case, they will still post ridiculous headlines and images, but they will no longer be so perfectly entangled that the jokes write themselves. I'm actually going to have to sharpen up and start calling them out for being a terrible news network, as opposed to just looking like one. I knew this was getting too easy. Drat.

I Would Have Preferred, "How Do You Like Them Apples?"

Surprisingly, I've never heard this one before, so I have to give them points for originality. CNN is reporting the story under the boring old headline, "Apple chief unveils new iPhone," which is unfortunate for them because I only read articles that rope me in with clever wordplay and make me think about how smart and funny the writer thinks he is. I'm also somewhat surprised that Apple hasn't trademarked it already, thus forcing orchard farmers to pay out royalties every time they harvest their crops.

Read These Options To Yourself In Glenn Beck's Voice

I'm sensing a lot of bitterness here. The popular answer seems more sarcastic than anything else, and I can't help but feel like they've started to let Glenn Beck write these. There is such a negative attitude in the way this is worded that I almost feel bad for these guys. The Fox faithful are clearly frustrated with everything Obama is doing, and it's really starting to manifest itself in these polls. Sure, it's probably not a complete coincidence that the "Sestak Report" was released in D.C. while Obama was out of town and right before the holiday weekend, but either way, it's not in any way a big deal. The whole BP fiasco is much bigger than anything else that's happening right now, so the White House could have released the statement any day of the week and I doubt anyone would be paying much attention. Time will tell if the report is true, and Fox will undoubtedly cover it to the point of exhaustion, so I don't know why they're so upset about such a minor detail. Someone needs a nap.

Someone Is Actually Being Paid For This

This might just be the most poorly edited image I've ever seen. Even if I ignore the horribly cropped image of a gigantic Obama, the weak drop shadow used to cover it up, and the pathetic attempt at a news logo, what really bothers me is the choice of photograph. Why in the world does the President have a pair of microphones under his desk? Also, who the hell is he pointing at? Is this what Fox thinks a newsroom looks like? How is this the most popular news network in the country?

Don't Mess With Tornado Cat

I don't know if Fox was going for dramatic effect with this picture of a wet cat, but if they were, I can tell you that it didn't work on me. I don't feel sorry for this animal so much as I feel terrified of it. I mean, this cat looks like a badass, and any animal that survives a tornado and doesn't seem to care should be approached with caution. The look on his face tells me that not only did he stop the storm all by himself, but also that he's hungry for more.

Students Forget Country Of Origin, Wear Flags As Reminder

Imagine my surprise when I visited the Fox News website today, only to discover a truly shocking story. Allegedly, many parents are forcing their innocent children to wear stupid Old Navy shirts sporting Old Glory, in what is being described as a desperate attempt to rediscover their own youth, which they obviously lost in the 1990s. It never really made sense to me why people in the United States wear clothing with their own flag on it. The symbol doesn't speak very loudly when you are almost exclusively surrounded by other Americans. Thanks for letting me know that you're one of us, because I was really starting to worry. In truth, the story is actually about students in California who were sent home from school for wearing clothes and bandannas displaying the Stars and Stripes on Cinco de Mayo. Sure, it was a blatant and immature middle finger to the students' "ethnic" classmates, but it's free speech nonetheless. Now, it turns out that the story doesn't actually mention anything about banning the American Flag, but that was not enough to stop Fox from asking yet another brain teaser in their daily poll. Sure, the possible answers are pretty normal, but honestly, what kind of results do you expect when you ask, "Should the American Flag be Banned -- in America?" I've never bothered to ask what happens to the people who vote differently in these polls, but I can only imagine that they are visited by the CIA and possibly detained as enemy combatants.

Now That's Just Cruel

At least now this guy has the money to get that taken care of. Shame on Fox for poking fun at their own viewers like that. Then again, maybe they'll give him his own show or at least an ironic nickname like, "Joe the Dentist."

You Can Have My Salt When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands

The people at Fox have become so paranoid that the government is going to take away their cheeseburgers that they have begun kicking their fear campaign into high gear. Let's ignore the "Shake-Up" joke for a minute. "War on Salt" is a term I haven't heard before, but if history has taught us anything, it's that we will soon have another Bill O'Reilly book unleashed upon us, and Glenn Beck will shower us with tears. I saw the obligatory reference to the "Nanny State", but then something else caught my eye. The Fox website has a regular feature called "YOU DECIDE," which is a poll that allows readers to express themselves about whatever Fox is scaring them about on any given day. The problem is that almost every poll on the site indicates near-unanimous support for an answer that you know will win the contest before you even see the results. Yes, it's that predictable. The funny thing about this poll is that the most popular response doesn't have that much to do with the article, which mentions that the FDA is trying to do something about the dangerous amounts of sodium food manufacturers put into just about everything. No one is talking about outlawing your precious Twinkies or even the ability to pour tons of table salt over your meals. Fox is clearly confused, because using the title "Should Government Regulate What Americans Eat," proves that they don't understand what the FDA does or why it exists. This explains a lot, because it seems to me that these people ate way too much lead paint during childhood.

Oh My God, It's Become Self-Aware

How in the world am I supposed to make fun of something like this? It's like calling someone stupid who happens to be wearing a shirt that says "I'm With Stupid," with an arrow pointing up. It's a good thing that I don't make any money off of this site, because this kind of thing would put me out of business. Well played, Fox. Well played.

Another Missed Opportunity For "Audacity of Pope"

This one is such a stretch that it's not even fair to call it a pun. It's like when your weird uncle tries to make a joke that's so lame that everyone is forced to stand there in awkward silence, waiting for someone to change the subject. I also love that the article this links to claims that it's the GOP that is upset over the president's obvious hatred of his own country. When you place emphasis on harmless statements like this, I would like to think that even a Fox viewer could figure out what your intentions are.

Some Questions Should Be Left Unanswered

Why is this on the front page? Seriously. I know networks have slow days, but is there really so little news out there that this kind of crap makes your headlines? I thought I had accidentally stumbled upon TMZ.com, but once my eyes came across the pun, I knew I was in Foxland. The fact that this even exists on a news site is so mind-boggling that I'm not even questioning why a fashion magazine would want to create something like this in the first place.

Finally, A Real Reason To Take Up Smoking

While the rest of the liberal media use letters and numbers with reckless abandon, Fox News takes the initiative to stamp out such wasteful alphanumeric spending. Instead of using the already abbreviated term "health care" to refer to recent health care reform efforts, they are staying true to their fiscally conservative roots by simply using the word "health." Best of all, there's no way it could possibly be confusing to the type of intellectual that trusts an outfit like Fox to provide them with accurate information.

Who Needs News When You Can Have Not News?

[VIDEO] I totally understand what Fox is doing here. The President gives important speeches all the time, so when a potential catastrophe occurs, it only makes sense to cut him off in order to cover it. News networks do this sort of thing all them time, especially when disaster strikes. This video is not for the weak at heart, so make sure your children aren't in the room when you choose to witness the horror that is a commercial airliner making a completely normal landing. I can only assume they were hoping for a crash, so they could be the first to cover it.

'Bill' Signed Into 'Law' By 'President' (If You Know What I Mean)

Who else would use a common phrase that explicitly indicates fraud when referring to a partisan political issue that successfully made it through a legal legislative process? Also note that the three stories directly below this headline are all written to attract conservative readers. This is not uncommon, nor is it a coincidence. Fox is so fair and balanced that it hurts.

Three Puns In One Day? It Must Be My Birthday!

Oh, there's A Corn here, all right. Right? See what I did there? What can I say? It's hard work keeping up with such comedic genius. Looks like I'm going to have to make a "puns" tag.

Two Puns For The Price Of One

They must have worked really hard on this one. It would have been much funnier if Fox wasn't such an ardent supporter of the Tea Party movement. If only CNN had thought of it first...

On A Dark Day, My Humor Eludes Me

Out of respect for a fallen friend, I simply can't bring myself to make a joke today. I'm sure this one speaks for itself, anyway.

Nothing Gets The President In The Mood Like A Good Abortion

The full sub-headline reads as follows: "Bart Stupak had in his hands the power to stop federal funding of abortions, and he handed the power to the man who is schoolgirl-giddy in love with idea of funding abortions – Barack Obama." I think what they're trying to say here, and I'm sure everyone will agree, that just the thought of a woman having an abortion makes Barack Obama feel like this: