Fox Writers Contract Horatio Caine Disease

ellipsis n.
1. the omission of one or more words that are obviously understood but that must be supplied to make a construction grammatically complete
2. marks or a mark (as …) indicating an omission (as of words) or a pause

Like so many other common sense principles, the proper usage of an ellipsis seems to have eluded the people who make these headlines. While I was sad to see the trusty old Impact font go, I had no idea what Fox News had in store. Since adopting a more professional looking typeface for their horrible front-page abominations, whoever is in charge of creating these things has decided to introduce the previously rare concepts of emphasis and timing. As you might expect, this has already gotten completely out of hand.

Before I even get to the topic of Fox's egregious use of punctuation, I want to point out the abuse of font formatting. Three types can be seen in each of the images to the left: size variation, capitalization and boldfacing. The reason for using all three at once is beyond my comprehension, as I feel that one is sufficient to get your point across (maybe two if you're desperate). Whenever I read these, I always feel like someone is shouting at me and the volume level is constantly fluctuating, which is very much like listening to Glenn Beck. It gives me a headache and I wish they would stop with the theatrics.

This brings me to my original objection, the molestation of the ellipsis. Can someone please explain this to me? In none of these examples is an ellipsis necessary or even appropriate. The first two come the closest to making sense, because the headlines are referencing something that was said by another person. Unfortunately, neither of these are wrapped in quotation marks, which means that there is no reason to indicate an omission. It seems to me that they are doing this, much like the previously mentioned formatting free-for-all, purely for dramatic effect. This is no real surprise since Fox News definitely specializes in beating your brain to mush with nonsense for the sake of being loud.

If I ignore the bad formatting, the ellipses still linger in my mind. Instead of a maniac with a megaphone, I now imagine David Caruso softly reading the first line when suddenly, he pauses, removes his sunglasses, takes a deep breath, and says something that makes him seem like the biggest jackass on the planet.

When Did Elementary Schools Start Teaching Photoshop?

This looks like something your kid would make you stick on your refrigerator. The globe is obviously from a clip-art gallery, but I really don't understand the drop shadow under the President. Some people think he walks on water and, judging by the powers of levitation he displays here, they could be right. If this image tells us anything it's that Obama is not going to make the United States 'just one of many.' On the contrary, he seems more poised to give the Earth a kick, or perhaps do some ball exercises.

It's Funny Because The Immigrant Is Climbing Over The Fence

This can't be the first time they have used this line. I do appreciate the thorough exposition though, because without the bullet points, I would have been completely lost. Thank goodness Fox provides background information so all the people who don't pay any attention to current events can understand what a news website is talking about when they make stupid jokes instead of just reporting.

Nope

This is from two weeks ago. In yet another desperate attempt to defend our corporate overlords, Fox makes one of their hasty predictions that turns out to be nothing more than an attention-grabbing teaser. Well, they've made a breakthrough, all right. Their oil has broken through the Gulf Coast and into our fragile ecosystem. Ironically, BP executives were aboard the now-sunken drilling platform when the disaster started, celebrating the rig's safety record.

Fox Breaks Their Only Camera, Makes Mohammed Feel Ugly

I guess the lack of photograph here is supposed to poke fun at the censorship of Mohammed. Despite the apparent, I'm actually going to assume that Fox was just too afraid to post a real image, which is completely understandable considering no other major news media outlets would, either. I almost admired their mocking humor for a moment, but then I realized that I was looking at a national news network and not Comedy Central, and my admiration instantly turned to shame.

I Don't Understand What You're Saying

As a general rule, there's nothing worse than being so inept at manipulating the English language that one resorts to using sports analogies in situations in which doing so is completely unnecessary, that is to say, all situations outside of actual sports. So, it should come as no shock that Fox managed to find a way to override this infallible truth by taking one of these sporty phrases and turning it into a metaphor for absolutely nothing. A "slam dunk" refers to a task that is so simple, that the probability of its success is near 100% (for example, using the term "slam dunk" correctly). Somehow, this is supposed to make sense in the context of an Illinois school denying its girls' basketball team a promised trip to Arizona as a way of protesting the latter's recently passed law regarding illegal immigration, but I just can't find it. To Fox's credit, someone must have realized how stupid this seemed, as within hours, the original was replaced with this second gem, which correctly commits this cardinal sin against our language.

Somebody Clearly Doesn't Watch Adult Swim

I can only assume we're not talking about the flash game, but all I can think about now is Jesus punching Moses in the face. Unfortunately, this turns out to be just another Republican primary quarrel about who can be the most conservative, which is extremely disappointing to say the least. It's really not fair to promise a "bible brawl" that you can't deliver. Next time, I demand to see someone knocked unconscious with the ten commandments.

It's Funny Because A Submarine Is Phallic

Instead of showing important and necessary policy changes in a positive light, Fox always finds a way to ask irrelevant questions just to stir the pot. It reminds me of how local news networks like to tease you about the possibility of your children being murdered by your refrigerator (find out next Friday at eleven). If you need to ask whether women should be allowed on submarines, I can only assume it's because you can't figure out who is going to make your sandwiches from now on.

I Bet They Sure Feel Silly

Fox has a reputation for making unwise predictions and being overzealous in their reporting. Sure, BP told everyone that the spill wasn't nearly as bad as it actually is, but you really can't take their word for it and pretend everything is fine. The smart thing to do here would have been to quote whoever told them that the disaster was contained rather than making fools of themselves for the sake of being the first to report it. The oil spill is as bad for the Gulf Coast as Fox is for journalism.

Congress Plays Hangman With Goldman Sachs Execs

As we all know, the media is afraid of naughty words. They do their best to confuse and obscure by replacing letters with random characters, making an otherwise obscene message indecipherable. So if I ask "How fu$@ing stupid do these a#%holes think we are?", you would be completely lost. Well, Fox takes it one step further, by masking so many letters that you really don't know what they're trying to say. 'Shaggy' deal? That's kind of weird. It could be 'Shoney,' but I don't think this has anything to do with restaurants. Hmmm...

It's Just Not The Same

This may be end of an era. It looks like Fox is ditching their trusty old Impact font for something a little less amateur. While I'm glad they are moving on, because they might as well have been using Comic Sans, I'm also a feeling a little sad and nostalgic. Fear not, fellow mourners, because here we have something that should cheer you right up. If the image of a tiny horse and a St. Bernard doesn't warm your heart, then surely the fact that this was the main headline at foxnews.com will bring you that desperately needed smile.

iThink iMight iMbibe iPecac

It's actually sort of clever the way Fox is playing on Apple's obsession with affixing the letter "i" to the names of their products. It's amazing that United States copyright law has essentially allowed a company to trademark a letter of the alphabet. Anyway, this one was another missed opportunity for Fox's humor/news department. It's about time someone shared with them the timeless adage, "If you don't have anything funny to say, then shut up and stop trying to be funny."

John Paul Stevens Is Going To Kick Your Ass

The President better watch his back. I thought the 89-year-old Supreme Court justice was just going to retire, but there's more to it. Obviously, Obama is worried because he has to appoint a replacement whom the GOP will surely put through the wringer during confirmation hearings. Worst of all, this picture seems to indicate that if he doesn't do it fast enough, JP Stephens is going to lay the smackdown. You can't trust an old man who fooled the president who appointed him. Even in death, Gerald Ford's probably still sore from that one.

For The Love Of God, Make It Stop

Okay, so puns are all too common on local news networks, usually when used to reference human interest stories. I get that. Yet, I rarely find this kind of annoying wordplay on CNN, MSNBC, BBC, PBS, or ABC and almost never do I see it used on front page headlines. I know Fox thinks that the news is a joke, but I can't figure out if their daily attempts at bad comedy are meant to mock us or if they really don't know any better. Judging by his posture, I would say Sting is equally confounded.

Fox Is Clearly A Strong Opponent of PUN CONTROL

Throughout the day, Fox repeatedly used the term "dope-lomat" (which I can only assume is a place where you wash your dirty dope) on their website in various article headlines. They must really be patting themselves on the back for this one. You've got to love their total surprise at the diplomatic immunity in play here, especially considering their unabashed support of countless politicians throughout the years who have committed crimes that would have landed any normal citizen in prison. In fact, Fox loved this photo so much that they decided to use it again later in the day, only this time they replaced the pun with another baseball reference. I don't know if they mean "outta here" as in being knocked out of the country for a home run, or as in no longer safe at his base here in the United States. Or maybe they mean that he's being tossed out of the game for causing an unsportsmanlike ruckus on the field. Usually Fox is easier to figure out than this and it's really making my head hurt.

You're Lucky Mother Nature Even Lets You Live

Just when you thought it was safe to have a picnic in the park, that bitch comes rolling into town to blow the roof off your house. I think the only logical solution is to start building yourself a Cold War era fallout shelter now, so you can finish by summer and then spend the rest of 2010 underground. Because, if there is one thing we can count on, it's that weather forecasts are always accurate.

This Could Not Have Made The Front Page Anywhere Else

There's nothing particularly controversial about covering this story. In fact, I think everyone should be aware of the ongoing homo-steria in this country. However, the fact that this made the headlines at Fox really says a lot about their target audience. I couldn't find any official clips of the play, so I can't really examine just how blasphemous it is. I will just assume that the following video is an accurate representation. I can certainly see why those Texans are so upset.

Thankfully, Juxtaposition Is Not A Lost Art

This could just be my own odd sense of humor, but I almost lost it when I saw the words "beef up" placed next to this Wilford Brimley wannabe. It's a stretch, I know. However, the biggest laugh came when I did a Google image search for "Wilford Brimley" and the related searches that were suggested to me included "wilford brimley cat" and "diabeetus." If you don't get the joke, then you may want to go see for yourself.

This Is Why Pittsburgh Is Not A Baseball Town

There are so many possible jokes here, but most of them are in reference to the Pittsburgh Pirates, so I'm just going sit back and enjoy the humor in Fox's desire to oversimplify everything for us, especially with the use of sports metaphors. And I thought they really had a chance this season.