It's Aliiiiiiive!!!! Also, Fox Has An Official Position On Your Genitals

Back from the dead, you say? Perhaps. It has been quite a long time since I updated this blog and part of the reason for the hiatus was that Fox changed their web site and took away all my good material. The other half of that reason is that without such easy targets, I just didn't have the energy to continue. However, I have recently discovered Fox's "Photo Op-inion: Best of the Week" section and oh my goodness, is it unbelievable. So with newfound inspiration, I have decided that I will take another stab at it, although I won't focus solely on headlines. To get us started, I will share this gem, which I apparently saved as a draft at the beginning of the summer and never posted. It's an article that suggests that everyone should shave their public hair. Sure, in these times I may be taking an unpopular stance on this issue, but that's neither here nor there. Equally as horrifying is the knowledge that Fox has a section called "Fox on Sex." Never mind that I will never view Dr. Suess the same way, but I think we should all be very worried about the poor soul who looks to these people for sexual advice.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never thought this day would come, but it finally happened. The good people at Fox News have finally decided that they don't want their website to look like it's being run by interns. I don't know who had to get fired for this to occur, but the stupid looking headlines appear to be gone. This is obviously going to make my job more difficult, which I suppose is partly my fault. Sure, nobody at Fox (or anywhere else) really reads this blog, but the timing sure is suspicious. For years, the front page of their web site has looked like utter shit as a result of their mysterious Photoshop addiction, but as soon as I start poking fun at, they decide to comply with child labor laws and let the adults take over? I have no choice but to take responsibility for this, even though it makes absolutely no sense to do so. I must have had it coming. In any case, they will still post ridiculous headlines and images, but they will no longer be so perfectly entangled that the jokes write themselves. I'm actually going to have to sharpen up and start calling them out for being a terrible news network, as opposed to just looking like one. I knew this was getting too easy. Drat.

Fox Writers Contract Horatio Caine Disease

ellipsis n.
1. the omission of one or more words that are obviously understood but that must be supplied to make a construction grammatically complete
2. marks or a mark (as …) indicating an omission (as of words) or a pause

Like so many other common sense principles, the proper usage of an ellipsis seems to have eluded the people who make these headlines. While I was sad to see the trusty old Impact font go, I had no idea what Fox News had in store. Since adopting a more professional looking typeface for their horrible front-page abominations, whoever is in charge of creating these things has decided to introduce the previously rare concepts of emphasis and timing. As you might expect, this has already gotten completely out of hand.

Before I even get to the topic of Fox's egregious use of punctuation, I want to point out the abuse of font formatting. Three types can be seen in each of the images to the left: size variation, capitalization and boldfacing. The reason for using all three at once is beyond my comprehension, as I feel that one is sufficient to get your point across (maybe two if you're desperate). Whenever I read these, I always feel like someone is shouting at me and the volume level is constantly fluctuating, which is very much like listening to Glenn Beck. It gives me a headache and I wish they would stop with the theatrics.

This brings me to my original objection, the molestation of the ellipsis. Can someone please explain this to me? In none of these examples is an ellipsis necessary or even appropriate. The first two come the closest to making sense, because the headlines are referencing something that was said by another person. Unfortunately, neither of these are wrapped in quotation marks, which means that there is no reason to indicate an omission. It seems to me that they are doing this, much like the previously mentioned formatting free-for-all, purely for dramatic effect. This is no real surprise since Fox News definitely specializes in beating your brain to mush with nonsense for the sake of being loud.

If I ignore the bad formatting, the ellipses still linger in my mind. Instead of a maniac with a megaphone, I now imagine David Caruso softly reading the first line when suddenly, he pauses, removes his sunglasses, takes a deep breath, and says something that makes him seem like the biggest jackass on the planet.

When Did Elementary Schools Start Teaching Photoshop?

This looks like something your kid would make you stick on your refrigerator. The globe is obviously from a clip-art gallery, but I really don't understand the drop shadow under the President. Some people think he walks on water and, judging by the powers of levitation he displays here, they could be right. If this image tells us anything it's that Obama is not going to make the United States 'just one of many.' On the contrary, he seems more poised to give the Earth a kick, or perhaps do some ball exercises.

Congress Plays Hangman With Goldman Sachs Execs

As we all know, the media is afraid of naughty words. They do their best to confuse and obscure by replacing letters with random characters, making an otherwise obscene message indecipherable. So if I ask "How fu$@ing stupid do these a#%holes think we are?", you would be completely lost. Well, Fox takes it one step further, by masking so many letters that you really don't know what they're trying to say. 'Shaggy' deal? That's kind of weird. It could be 'Shoney,' but I don't think this has anything to do with restaurants. Hmmm...

It's Just Not The Same

This may be end of an era. It looks like Fox is ditching their trusty old Impact font for something a little less amateur. While I'm glad they are moving on, because they might as well have been using Comic Sans, I'm also a feeling a little sad and nostalgic. Fear not, fellow mourners, because here we have something that should cheer you right up. If the image of a tiny horse and a St. Bernard doesn't warm your heart, then surely the fact that this was the main headline at foxnews.com will bring you that desperately needed smile.

Some Questions Should Be Left Unanswered

Why is this on the front page? Seriously. I know networks have slow days, but is there really so little news out there that this kind of crap makes your headlines? I thought I had accidentally stumbled upon TMZ.com, but once my eyes came across the pun, I knew I was in Foxland. The fact that this even exists on a news site is so mind-boggling that I'm not even questioning why a fashion magazine would want to create something like this in the first place.

Finally, A Real Reason To Take Up Smoking

While the rest of the liberal media use letters and numbers with reckless abandon, Fox News takes the initiative to stamp out such wasteful alphanumeric spending. Instead of using the already abbreviated term "health care" to refer to recent health care reform efforts, they are staying true to their fiscally conservative roots by simply using the word "health." Best of all, there's no way it could possibly be confusing to the type of intellectual that trusts an outfit like Fox to provide them with accurate information.

I Can't Stop Imagining Fox Staffers Playing With Dolls

I couldn't find the a link for the original story, so I'm just going to use the Fox standard here and assume that this was a serious story that was purposefully represented with inappropriate (and stupid) humor. It was probably something about liberals trying to destroy America by regulating industrial toxins in children's toys.

I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up If I Tried

This is absolutely fantastic. This image linked to an article about a study claiming that dinosaurs often had sex before they reached full maturity. The best part is that someone at Fox thought that there must be an age at which the extinct reptiles could legally start getting it on.

Please Let This Be A "Spy vs. Spy" Pun

 

Guess which ones are the bad nuns?

Somehow More Ridiculous Than The Original CNBC Headline

I think swatting a fly is a metaphor for socialism.